Sleepless Draft 2

She snored. 

Each night I would lay next to her tossing and turning trying to sleep, but all in vain. Nights of torment, laying awake, her cold body pushing up against mine. I could never get comfortable, never sleep. For years this is what I endured.  

Lack of sleep leads to poor decisions, acts of desperation. The world never seems right, your eyes burn as you stare into the day. The simplest of task mock you, as your head throbs, and your stomach turns queasily. Conversations are meaningless, Their mouths move, in blurry up and down motions. The words coming out are foreign quickly falling heavily to the ground. 

This is where I find myself, that is what lead me to my action. Others will question my motives. Wisely dictating what I should have done in a situation they are ill equipped to face. I myself am unsure of any motives, I just act as any would to ensure survival.

The night is soundless, an empty moon peeks from behind the clouds momentarily to shed light within this darkened world. 

Each grave reflects the light of the nocturnal goddess. They appear as well organized ghost waiting within a line that seemingly never ends.

Can this be what hell is an eternal wait in a cold motionless line devoid of all hope. 

This is a question I fear I shall soon answer. 

The shovel is wet from the dew lining the grass. It is late or early I should say, daybreak moves ever closer. No time to spare, some chores are better performed hidden within the night. To late now to change my mind, as if I ever had a choice. I have already come too far. 

I grip the shovel tightly and slowly begin walking up the side of the hill. I glancingly read each story of the stones as I pass.  They all seem the same, they were born, they lived and then they died. It is the natural order I guess, and who are we to question nature. Almost without conscious I repeat to myself.  

"Death is natural and within Death there is no sin. I am innocent, I have nothing to fear."

I see the mound of freshly moved earth, and know instantly this is my spot. The shovel seems heavy and defiant, as I move away the first load of dirt. My mind drifts back to that first day, her smile. 

"NO, I must not stop!"

The shovel grows heavy my chest begins to burn. My lungs turn against me, as though the act of breathing was to heavy for them. My strength fades, and I soon find myself upon my knees. 

A tear lands upon the ground. I knew this would come, everything suddenly becomes real, as though I am waking from a dream only to find a nightmare is reality.

She is gone; she will never light the world with her smile, her laughter again. My mind thinks of the countless things she will never be able to do, and pain stabs my heart with each. I think to myself is this Hell?

"NO, I don’t have time for this, there will be time later for mourning, but now I have to finish this, time is growing short." 

I will myself to stand, and force air into my lungs and begin to breath.

The earth grows harder with each shovel, pain courses through my muscles. I feel my soul grow weak. My mind returns to her laying there in the end weak, unable to fight off death’s grip. I have to be stronger, I cannot give in to the urge to lay down. So I lie to myself saying that each shovel will be the last. 

The hole slowly grows deeper, It's mouth grows hungry. It soon will be filled, but from it's seed nothing can grow except sorrow. 

The end is approaching. I can feel it, and so do my muscles as they begin to regain strength I push myself further. Further into this decent of desperation. I realize the sweat I am feeling on my face is tears as they begin to fall more and more freely. I am shocked at the realization the soulless can cry. 

All at once I hear a thump.

The sound scares me. I knew it was coming but for some things you just can't prepare. I stand back a moment. fear begins to grip me. I tell myself you have come too far. This is not the first time you have seen the dead.

I find soon that I was neither mentally or actually prepared for this task. I look around for something to pry open the coffin. My silent partner in tonights crime calls to me and I wedge him into the crack. I push down with my body and suddenly I am weightless. The seal breaks, I find myself laying in the dirt. The handle had snapped and threw me to the ground, as if to protest its part in tonight’s scheme, and ensuring it will nevermore be part of such dark times. 

"No I have to continue. If I don’t I will never find sleep again." 

I rush to the edge pushing my fingers into the opening, the skin burst and my hands feel sticky as blood covers them. No time for pain, no time for hesitation. I pull with all my remaining strength, and once again I find myself in the dirt as the door swings open.

I sit for a moment, I know I am not ready for what I am about to see. I look into the coffin. She is laying peacefully, with the sleep I am envious of. 

She is as beautiful in death, as she was in life. 

She is wearing her wedding dress. I apologize for not dressing more appropriate. 

I know she forgives me, she always did. 

Her face is kind and gentle something cancer never was able to rob from her. I wrap my arms around her. I long to feel her push, I feel nothing but her cold.
I cry harder at the realization that my angel is cold. 

"Don’t worry baby you will not be cold much longer I will hold you, I will warm you." 

I shut my eyes, and find the peace I had lost since that night. I listen closely and begin to hear her snore once again. I feel her cold body push next to mine. I lay patiently dreaming as sleep slowly comes upon me. 

I drift away as the birds begin to sing, the morning awakens. Peace comes to me. Never again shall I endure a sleepless night.